How to Manage Former Peers After Promotion: A Complete Guide for New Leaders
Getting promoted to manage your former peers is one of the most challenging transitions in leadership. One day you're grabbing lunch together and complaining about management decisions. The next day, you're the one making those decisions.
If you're feeling anxious about this transition, you're not alone. Research shows that 60% of new managers receive no training before their first leadership role, and managing former colleagues ranks as their number one concern.
This guide will walk you through exactly how to navigate this awkward transition and build credibility with your former peers—now your team.
Table of Contents
Why Managing Former Peers Is So Difficult
The peer-to-manager transition creates three specific tensions that don't exist in other leadership scenarios:
1. Relationship Shift You've built friendships based on shared frustrations, inside jokes, and commiserating about "management." Now you ARE management. The informal dynamics that made these relationships comfortable no longer work.
2. Perceived Fairness Your former peers know you're not perfect. They've seen you miss deadlines, make mistakes, and struggle with the same challenges they face. The question "Why them and not me?" is often unspoken but always present.
3. Knowledge Asymmetry You now have access to information you can't share—budget decisions, performance reviews, reorganization plans. This creates an uncomfortable information gap where you previously had information symmetry.
These aren't problems you can eliminate. They're tensions you must actively manage.
What to Do in Your First Week
Before Your First Day as Manager
Acknowledge the elephant in the room early. If possible, have brief individual conversations with your former peers before your official start date as their manager. A simple message works:
"Hey, I wanted to reach out before Monday. I know this transition might feel weird—it does for me too. I'd love to grab coffee this week and talk about how we make this work."
This demonstrates self-awareness and gives people permission to voice concerns before resentment builds.
Get clear on your mandate. Meet with your own manager to understand:
What specifically led to your promotion?
What are the top 3 priorities for your first 90 days?
What decisions can you make autonomously vs. what needs approval?
How should you handle performance issues with former peers?
Your First Team Meeting
Your first team meeting sets the tone for everything that follows. Here's what to address:
1. Acknowledge the weirdness directly: "I know this is a strange transition. A month ago, we were peers. Now our relationship is different. I'm not going to pretend that's not awkward."
2. Clarify what changes and what doesn't. "What changes: I'm accountable for our team's results. I'll make final decisions when needed. I can't share everything I know anymore.
What doesn't change: I still value your expertise. I still want honest feedback. I still think our best ideas come from discussion, not top-down mandates."
3. Be transparent about what you're learning. "I've never managed a team before. I'm going to make mistakes. When I do, I need you to tell me—privately is fine, but tell me."
4. Outline how you'll make decisions "Here's how I want to work: For decisions that affect the whole team, I'll get input from all of you first. For urgent calls, I'll make the decision and explain my reasoning after. If you disagree with a decision, my door is always open—but once we've discussed it, I need you to commit."
The First Conversation Framework
Schedule one-on-ones with each team member within your first two weeks. Here's the structure that works:
Opening (2 minutes)
"Thanks for making time. I wanted to have this conversation individually with everyone. I'm here to listen more than talk."
Three Core Questions (20-25 minutes)
Question 1: "How are you feeling about this transition?" Let them be honest. Don't get defensive. If someone says "It's weird" or "I'm not sure yet," that's valuable information.
Question 2: "What do you need from me as your manager that you weren't getting before?" This shifts the focus from the awkwardness to what could actually improve. You'll often hear: clearer priorities, faster decisions, better context on why things are happening.
Question 3: "What should I make sure NOT to change about how this team works?" This question accomplishes two things: it shows you value what's working, and it reveals what people are afraid you'll screw up.
Addressing the Competition Question (if relevant)
If someone applied for your role, address it directly:
"I know you applied for this position. That took courage, and it shows you're ready for leadership. I want to make sure this doesn't hold you back. Can we talk about what you're looking for in your career growth?"
Then actually follow through. Help them develop leadership skills, give them visible projects, advocate for their next opportunity. The worst thing you can do is pretend the competition never happened.
Closing (3-5 minutes)
"I want to establish regular one-on-ones with everyone. What works better for you—weekly or biweekly? Morning or afternoon?"
Then actually schedule them before you leave the meeting.
How to Set Boundaries Without Damaging Relationships
The biggest mistake new managers make is either:
Trying to maintain the exact same friendship (impossible), or
Creating artificial distance and becoming "corporate" overnight (alienating)
Neither works. Here's what does:
The Boundary-Setting Framework
Be explicit about what's changing: "I can't be in the group chat where we vent about leadership decisions anymore. It's not that I don't trust you—it's that I'm now part of those decisions, and it puts both of us in a weird position."
Explain the why: "I still value our friendship, and I want to protect it. The best way to do that is to be clear about what's different now."
Offer an alternative: "I still want to grab lunch and talk about non-work stuff. And if you have concerns about a decision, I want to hear them—just bring them directly to me rather than the group chat."
Specific Boundary Scenarios
Scenario: They want to vent about another team member
Old response: Commiserate and agree
New response: "I appreciate you trusting me with this. Since I'm their manager now, I need to address this differently. Can we talk about what specific behavior is causing problems and how we can resolve it?"
Scenario: They ask about confidential information
Old response: Share everything
New response: "I can't share the details on that yet, but I can tell you we'll have more clarity by [specific date]. I'll share what I can as soon as I can."
Scenario: They invite you to happy hour
Old response: Automatic yes
New response: "I'd love to, but I want to make sure I'm not showing favoritism. Let me see if the whole team can make it, or we can grab coffee one-on-one instead."
The key is being honest about the constraint while preserving the relationship.
Handling Common Challenges
"They're treating me the same as before"
What's happening: Your former peers keep making jokes at your expense, questioning your decisions in meetings, or ignoring your requests.
What to do: Address it privately and specifically: "Hey, I noticed in today's meeting you pushed back pretty hard on the deadline I set. If you disagree with a decision, I absolutely want to hear it—but can we discuss it one-on-one first rather than in the full team meeting? It undermines both of us when we debate it publicly."
What NOT to do: Pull rank publicly or say "I'm the manager now" in a team setting. It damages your credibility and makes you look insecure.
"I don't know how to give them critical feedback"
What's happening: You need to address performance issues with someone you used to complain about management with.
What to do: Use the SBI (Situation-Behavior-Impact) framework:
Situation: "In yesterday's client meeting..."
Behavior: "...when you interrupted Sarah three times..."
Impact: "...it made us look uncoordinated and Sarah shut down for the rest of the meeting."
Then add: "This isn't about our friendship. This is about the team's effectiveness. What got in the way?"
Script for difficult feedback: "This conversation feels awkward because we used to be peers. But I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't give you honest feedback. Here's what I'm seeing..."
"Someone is deliberately undermining me"
What's happening: A former peer is actively working against you—badmouthing you to others, "forgetting" to include you in emails, or subtly questioning your credibility.
What to do:
Document specific instances. Vague concerns won't hold up. Specific examples will.
Have a direct conversation: "I've noticed some tensions since I became manager. In the last two weeks, I wasn't included in the client email chain, and I heard from two people that you're questioning the new project timeline. What's going on?"
Listen for the real issue. Often undermining behavior comes from feeling passed over, unclear expectations, or legitimate disagreement with direction.
Set clear expectations: "I need us to be aligned, even when we disagree privately. If you have concerns, bring them to me directly. But once we make a decision, I need you to support it with the team. Can you commit to that?"
Follow up with your manager. If the behavior continues, loop in your boss before it escalates.
When to escalate to HR: If someone refuses to accept your authority after direct conversation, or if their behavior crosses into insubordination (refusing assignments, publicly contradicting you, excluding you from critical communications), involve HR early.
What to Do When Someone Resents Your Promotion
Resentment is normal. How you handle it determines whether it becomes toxic or resolves naturally.
Signs someone resents your promotion:
Minimal engagement in meetings when you're speaking
Going around you to your boss
"That's not how we used to do it" responses to new initiatives
Passive-aggressive compliance ("Sure, if that's what you want")
The Resentment Conversation
Step 1: Name it directly (in private)
"I get the sense that my promotion has created some tension between us. Am I reading that wrong?"Step 2: Listen without defending
Let them be honest. You might hear:
"I applied for this role and thought I was the better candidate"
"I've been here longer and feel passed over"
"I don't think you're ready for this"
Don't argue. Say: "I appreciate you being honest. That takes courage."
Step 3: Acknowledge their perspective
"I can see why you'd feel that way. If I were in your position, I might feel the same."Step 4: Clarify your intent
"I didn't take this job to prove I'm better than you. I took it because I want to help this team succeed—and that includes helping you grow. What would success look like for you over the next six months?"Step 5: Create a path forward
"Here's what I'm committing to: I'll advocate for your development, give you honest feedback, and create opportunities for you to lead. What I need from you is a genuine commitment to the team's success, even if you're still processing this change. Can we agree to that?"
If resentment doesn't resolve
Some people can't get past it. If, after 60-90 days, someone is still actively resentful and it's impacting the team:
Document the impact on team performance (not your feelings)
Have a final conversation: "This isn't working. What needs to change?"
If nothing changes, work with HR to transition them out
You can't force someone to respect you, but you can't allow one person to undermine the entire team.
Building Long-Term Credibility
Managing former peers isn't a one-time transition. It's an ongoing practice. Here's how to build lasting credibility:
1. Make decisions transparently
When you make a call your team disagrees with, explain your reasoning: "I know you all wanted to push the deadline. Here's why I couldn't approve it: Client committed budget based on this timeline, and moving it puts $200K at risk. I'm not willing to take that risk. If that changes, we'll revisit."
People can accept decisions they disagree with if they understand the reasoning.
2. Give credit publicly, give feedback privately
Never take credit for your team's ideas. Always attribute: "This approach came from Jamie's analysis" not "We decided to..."
And never, ever criticize a team member in a group setting. Save all developmental feedback for one-on-ones.
3. Admit when you're wrong
When you make a mistake—and you will—own it fast: "I made the wrong call on the vendor selection. Here's what I missed, here's what we're doing to fix it, and here's what I'm learning."
Your team already knows you make mistakes. Pretending you don't destroys trust.
4. Protect your team from above
One of the biggest shifts in managing former peers: you now stand between your team and organizational chaos. Filter out noise, push back on unreasonable requests, and shield them from unnecessary turbulence.
When your team sees you fighting for them, former peer dynamics fade fast.
5. Develop everyone, not just your friends
The fastest way to lose credibility is showing favoritism. Give the best projects to the best performers, regardless of your relationship. Invest in development opportunities equitably. Make decisions based on merit, not history.
The Six-Month Check-In
Six months after your promotion, schedule individual check-ins with each team member:
"It's been six months since I became your manager. I want to do a reset. Three questions:
What's working well in how we work together?
What should I do differently?
Is there anything from the early transition that still feels unresolved?"
This conversation accomplishes two things: it shows you're still learning, and it surfaces issues before they become toxic.
Key Takeaways: How to Successfully Manage Former Peers
Managing former peers successfully requires:
✓ Acknowledge the awkwardness early and directly
✓ Set clear boundaries while preserving relationships
✓ Have honest one-on-one conversations within your first two weeks
✓ Address resentment directly rather than hoping it fades
✓ Make transparent decisions and explain your reasoning
✓ Build credibility through actions, not authority
✓ Admit mistakes quickly and learn publicly
✓ Treat everyone equitably, not equally (merit-based, not friendship-based)
The peer-to-manager transition is uncomfortable. That discomfort is a sign you're doing it right—you're taking the relationships seriously while stepping into your new role.
Most new managers either stay too close to their former peers (and lose credibility) or create too much distance (and lose trust). The goal isn't to eliminate the tension—it's to manage it consciously.
What to Do Next
If you're struggling with the transition from peer to manager, you're not alone. Most organizations promote great individual contributors into leadership roles without providing any training on how to actually lead.
You don't have to figure this out alone.
I work with new leaders navigating exactly this transition—helping them build credibility with their teams, set effective boundaries, and develop the leadership skills that should have come with the promotion.
Schedule a free discovery call to talk about your specific situation and how coaching can help you succeed in your new role.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does it take for the awkwardness to go away?
Expect 3-6 months of adjustment. The awkwardness decreases as you demonstrate consistent leadership and your team sees results. If it's still uncomfortable after six months, there's likely an unaddressed issue worth exploring.Should I stop being friends with my former peers?
No—but the friendship will change. You can't be best friends with your direct reports in the same way. You can maintain warm, professional relationships and even socialize occasionally, but the dynamic is fundamentally different now.What if I was the least experienced person on the team?
Lead with humility but not apology. "I know many of you have more experience in X than I do. I'm going to rely on that expertise. What I bring is [strategic thinking/client relationships/cross-functional coordination—whatever got you promoted]. Together, we're stronger than any of us individually."How do I handle former peers who are now friends with my boss?
Set expectations with your boss: "I need you to redirect any concerns about my team back to me. If someone goes around me, I need to know so I can address it." And with your team: "If you have issues with my decisions, I want to hear them first. Going to my boss before talking to me makes it harder for me to address your concerns."What if my promotion created a toxic team dynamic?
If multiple people are struggling with the transition, it's likely a systemic issue, not just individual resentment. Consider bringing in a neutral third party (coach, HR, consultant) to facilitate a team reset conversation. Sometimes an outside perspective helps people move forward.
Note: This article was created in collaboration with Claude, an AI assistant by Anthropic. All content has been reviewed and edited to ensure it aligns with my expertise and perspective on leadership coaching.